MY JOURNAL IS (now) "FRIENDS" ONLY



just post a comment, and i'll add you.

i'm doing crunches/sit ups ect because i feel/see all the muscle in my body turning into fat, and I'm done being a house rat that goes on daily walks and cooks/eats/cooks/eats, ect. I'll give it till next wednesday before I do any pushups (and i'll be in Mexico for that). I still have a bunch of swelling, which I think could last months (is that right?)...
Brit leaves tomrrow night, Meg and Mags early that next morning, and Ash on Thursday. That means I have the whole house to myself until Monday morning (when I leave). Glad I'll be doing the gym thing by then =) Then Grass Valley, *cross fingers and hope* for 3 weeks, then Maui till the end of june? yeah?
Brit says she probably won't be there very long (we've had a bit of a blowout w/ her dating megan), which means I'll be my myself, travelling, living, all new people/community ect... whoa. I'm meeting with Annabelle in a couple days to get all the 411 on Maui folks (she lived there for 2+ years just recently). I'm jumping in, I sure am.

i miss heartwood for reals. i bet is smells let wet trees there right now....

I realize I'm not going to post when I'm angy at 3am. And, it is also a stupid idea to have put myself in the living situation I did. D_R_A_M_A!!! at least for me, i'm the angry one. The other ones get to be in love, and my girlfriend gets to "process" with me.

Christmas in Baja with the faggots is happening. Maui for winter and spring is happening. Work for January is happening. Life is happening.

I want to be working out... doc says 4-6 weeks post op, and i'm only 2. yoga maybe? I wonder when I can run... I'm craving pushups like a crackwhore wants crack.

I need to get "the terrible girls" by Rebbecca Wood, and the Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein.

Made Kabocha squash soup and oatmeal raisin cookies tonight. Ash and I are going to attempt making a acorn squash hummus that we're inventing...

so much intense emotion
contained in such a small body.
my liver cannot process it quickly enough,
and it comes shooting out my eyeballs, an evil glare.
growling out from my 3rd chakra, a lion attacking its prey.

this poison in my body...
i take full responsibility
for creating this energy into my life.
the universe put this energy into a human life form,
i asked for, and attracted it.

I have so much anger in my body right now
being projected at one human.
I am so sorry.

my body feels sick with posion.

but i don't really think so... my roomates do, and they took a picture while i was drinking the "chocolate pudding" drink I made (vegan)... it's really really good, thick, chocolate milk- like in europe....

today I tried on ALL my clothes (and everything else I have). I'm downsizing for the next phase of my nomadic journey. Ashely didi too. I could almost cry at the joy I feel that my shirts fit the way they do. I LOVE my body. I had some fun and did a photoshoot w/ some of the outfits =)

( fun with vanity )

I'm healing pretty great. I'm feeling a range of emotions. the dynamic in the house has my belly in knots sometimes. I've got a lot to do before Maui...

i can't cook, but i can direct pretty good:

roasted winter squash
roasted garlic
potatoes
carrots
caramelized onions
chopped apple
cinnamon
cayenne
salt
pepper
clove
nutmeg
bit of water....

then, toast the seeds from the squash till they pop, then add tamari, salt, and cayenne... and sprinkle into soup with a fresh parsley garnish....

no recipe. no measurememts. just vallium and farmer's market veggies...

soup fucking rocks. i <3 soup.

now we're making cookies ;)

the beautiful thing about being in intense pain at 6am (10 of 10 on the scale), is that the sky was bright orange outide the window. I feel like my ribs are being crushed, and my back wants to crack, but I can't move too much or the surface pain on my chest gets too intense. the medication wares off every 2 hours, after taking an hour to kick in =/ I emailed my doc about chaning the RX.
there's not much fluid coming out of the drain tubes at all (very minimal, like a tablespoon). I guess that's a good thing? Dr. B said the surgery went really well. And i'm much more cohearent this time around (compared to my reduction 2 years ago). The benefit from that was that I was too zonked out to get bored, so time passed by quickly. Right now I have the energy and would love to run around if moving didn't hurt so freaking much.

Sage heads back up north today, too bad she can't take me back up w/ her =) Humboldt (in the middle of the woods) would be a great place for me to heal up right now. I'm glad to have Brittany, Ashley, and Megan all living here too. I've got some amazing people in my life.

oh yeah, and Britany and I bought our plane tix to Maui yesterday- we leave sometime in a 4-day window starting Jan 29!!!

surgery today was great. i don't feel too cracked out, although i've said some rather funny things... last night i made a thank-you vegan dinner for an intimate group of 12 friends... life is so great.

( my great life. )

I feel like multi-colored flying worms are working their way around my belly. and no, i'm not on any drugs. the drug of life has it's grip on my butt hair though, reminding me that I have a lot going on in this present moment.

(realationships) <-- they "typo" i made, and am leaving here... dynamics... letting go... I find myself completely uncomfortable. I would crawl out of my skin, or run away to some distant world where no one spoke my language... wait, does anyone speak my language?

there's this separation that's happening. a distance created and chords (the polarity ones, not sure about the spelling) cut. The bright sparkle that I imagined our love to look like in its physical form is a dim light down a long hallway. wait... I want to be clear... the love and deep appreciation i have for her still resonates within my soul, it's just... changing.

there's part of me that wants to blame her actions on this new change in our relationship to each other (avoiding taking responsibility for how i choose to respond to lifes' events). then i think that maybe her actions were what was needing because I wasn't taking any action to create change. I mean, even with Ash- I knew I wanted to "break up," but I was talking around it for hours before she put it on the table... This is how I roll sometimes.

I feel uncomfortable living with my ex-girlfriend and my best friend who have just started seeing each other. being with them one-on-one is really easy. I love them both so much. So, what to I need around it? Just what I'm doing: acknowledging it, taking care of myself, and not getting involved in dramatics. My life is not Jerry Springer. My life is venturing into in a new paradigm of compassion, love, and abundance.

tomorrow is the early morning run/weight lifting session, rainbow grocery shopping, pre-operative apt., farmer's market, and an intimate dinner party for 12 that i'm cooking for =) Then, at 5:30am, I'll be on my way to San Francisco to pay for the most expensive thing I've ever bought; my man chest, lol.

a wild full life i have.
thursday. raw food thanksgiving lunch, brownies, naptime, and then a southern style thanks-giving and peace dinner w/ Lorence (raven, ash, brit, and a couple others). So sweet to have these creative huge hearts in my life.

friday. crazy-extravagant. the rental car company gave me a new ford mustang to drive to LA instead of the prius i wanted to rent (same thing, right? lol)... fast car, lots of music, and a couple cute girls. I laugh thinking that my adventure's mission was to drive my "ex-girlfriend" ashley to LA to take her, and her stuff to her Dad's for safe keeping... THEn, to pick up another "ex-girlfriend," Meg in San Diego (at her folks house)- fill the car up with her stuff- and drive back to the bay area. all in 36 hours. FridAY night in LA was so sweet w/ Ashley. damn. fun. And the drive up w/ Meg was filled with chanting, laughter, conversation, and sweetness... I have great people in my life.

tomorrow I pick chandra and amanda up from the airport (YEAH!!!), move a futon into the new house I'm moving into w/ Brit and Ash (Megan's house).. (did I mention the 4 of us are going to live together??), and then I get to figure out the menu plan for the gratitude dinner I'm having the night before my surgery (wed).

i feel my heart growing in size and in absorption. i am on the court of my life, not in the stands one bit. i'm here to play.

i worked out yesterday for the first time in a long time. it rocked my world!

surgery... time is passing slow, and it's filled with much fun to be had.

we left around 8am in two cars packed with... stuff. The drive was beautiful, and a bit sad. I'm happy to be back in the city, although I love to live in humboldt co. / heartwood community. Last night we had our last dinner at the lodge. It was a sweet celebration. I will miss being there very much.

I've been needing a lot of personal space lately... alone time = grounding.

my surgery is next wednesday, and time seems to be passsing...so...slowly....gah! This spring and summer I stopped binding with an underworks, and would only bind w/ frog bro- I passed probably 100%... but since this harvest season started, I started to bind hardcore again- everyday- all day- ouch. and even with that I'm not comfortable. I'm sure it looks/is flat, but my mind is seeing it not. I feel like I can relate to anorexic folks when they look in the mirror and see a fat person. anyway... that's my rant.

...and I have sideburns now =)

surgery in 10 days. Last spring, in Medicino, with a bottle of port and a bar of chocolate, I stated that "I will have my top surgery by winter solstice 2007." Having no "solid" path of how I'd make this happen, it fell into place. And now I'm 10 days away from completing my goal.

2 days left in Humboldt. Today's a day of rest at the 'Wood. Tomorrow we hitch to Eureka to get the rental car. And leave Tues. Morning for Berkeley.

My life feels rich with experiences.

almost leaving humboldt...

when i move back to the city i'm going to miss the view from a 3-wall outhouse. it's a great view.
we have less that a week left, and then we head forward to our bay area adventure. my life continues to change and flow, and i still have no idea what i'm doing for december....

i miss working in the kitchen at h-wood. and hanging out w/ maia... really, i'm not just saying that 'cause she's reading this =)

we got new jobs... yay.